poems

Sick.
Sunken in.
Hollow.
Trying to shrivel up.
Wishing to disappear.
Die.
Crying without words, without tears.
I am desperate.
Please notice my suffering.
Recognize my pain.
*
Confusion.
“You look great, you’ve lost weight.”
Finally attractive?
Ugly duckling no more?
False confidence.
You’ve missed the point.
Outer beauty masking inner hideousness.
You don’t hear my cries.
Feelings unchanged.
A game of deception.
**
Sharpness is soothing.
Awareness of flesh.
Oozing rolls.
Disgusting.
Afraid of becoming ugly again.
Keeping it up.
A phony.
Craving flatness.
Taut skin.
Full only of self loathing.
And the heaviness of shame.
Still so divided.
Emptiness is success.
***
A healthy limit?
Balance?
Maintenance?
Maybe there isn’t a divide?
Inside uniting with outside?
But without the darkness?
Is that possible?
My reflection, a mystery.
Wishing for a mirror that shows inner beauty.
I don’t know what I look like anymore.
****

Hungry for love
A starving soul
My spirit emaciated
Fullness unknown
Cravings unsatisfied
Hollow and frail
Screaming for nourishment
Feel my bones
See the emptiness in my eyes
Prepare me a meal
Garnish it with tenderness
Feed me your love
Or watch me fade away

I apologize for my moment of insanity
The pause of hesitation when you asked
I know I’m not important
Destined only to be invisible
I didn’t mean to be selfish
I will give you everything
I accept my guilt for needing
I’m sorry for your sadness
I carry the weight of your abandonment
The loneliness in your eyes
It makes me want to run away
Flee in any direction except towards you
But I will swallow my desires
Chained by obligation and a little bit of hope
I come to you willingly
My head hangs in shame
I can survive this starvation
Please just don’t crush me with ‘I love you’

If you don’t need me,
Then who am I?
You have defined my existence,
Given me purpose.
Now you stand alone,
Tall and strong.
While I am drowning
In the sea of nothingness that is me.

The sun laps at my milky skin
Giving life to my hidden secrets
My past, my pain
Suddenly revealed

Eruptions of glaring bronze
I am startled by their presence
Reminded of distant torment
My flesh tells a story
It refuses to be silenced

The world averts its eyes
Sneaking only nervous glances
For though people are curious
I am a book they would rather not read

I consider my nakedness
And wonder if I should conceal myself
But surprisingly I smile instead

I am no longer ashamed or afraid
I am just me
Embraced by the sun
Accepted in my entirety
And warm in my soul

I so desperately want to be nurtured
They tell me it is time to let that go
That it is time to nurture myself
I know they are right
But still there is that little girl crying inside
And I wonder, what do I tell her?